North London Forever

North London forever

It's not a place I can go to for a while
The impermanence of time
Where it usually stands still
It feels cold out here
Atop Parliament Hill
With a breathtaking view of loneliness
I have felt windswept
Carried away
I could no longer see my feet
On ancient, better lived cobblestones
Music floats around your head
As if carried by the sea and the Thames
You catch yourself smiling
You remember
You dance with yourself
Your cold, dangling limbs
Wrapped around your loveless body

An otherwise disappointing life

All those failures
All those bruises
I was told were temporary
Remain etched on a watered down stone
And this stone is my brain
Always present but mute
Always taking in but incapable to escape
Unlike a tree a stone has no roots
I think of the waves. I think of winds
The Irish winds and their chilling strength
The Atlantic swelling of cold humidity
And the impossibility to see the world end
I want it to end so badly I ended myself first
When I woke up, everything was still there
The failures, the bruises
Everything comprised in a disappointing life
But even as a rock, I can host a lighthouse
If there is a light, don't let it go out             

Intimacy
The reason but welcome feeling of train seats
The odd swinging and slow motion
The warmth as I pull my leg against my chest
The slight twinge of my muscles awakened
It moves and I sit there, motionless
It pushes forward and I remain still
It takes twists and turns while my gaze is fixed
My mouth too dry to utter a word
It's the softness that I miss the most
What lingers when the train boards at dawn
The odd colours of dusk over the Channel
The slight discomfort in weather changes
I never forget an imprint or a flesh wound
I easily dismiss poor choices of words
I have been without bruises since that January
I have no recollection of never wanting them again
Pressing buttons to shut down or close
Hearing announcements that it's time to take off
Or get off
And I'm not ready to be alone
And I'm not ready to be alone

Thirst

If water has memory
And can retain all the flesh it nurtured
Let water never be my enemy
So I never have to let myself burn
Flashes of light on reverberating water
Temporarily blind me
I know that if I had the strength to go farther
I could finally see
I long to float and be passively led
To countries and continents I have never met
I would grow up and thrive in the unknown
My worries, knots and tumors all gone
From water I came and to water I will return
Earth crumbling, fire crackling
Air leaving my lungs
From water I came and to water I want to return

(All photos and words by Sarah)