Sitting in this coffee shop, surrounded by faces of people I don't know, I pick up only on the music, above all chatter. It's soft, sweet, and homey. I feel it in my bones, immediately; a connection to the melody.
I guess it's because now I'm comfortable with that. Knowing I understand music more than I do most things. Knowing it's this story that was made for people like me; it was made to tell a story that spoke to someone; connected us to them. (There is no us and them; especially not in music.)
I guess it's because I'm comfortable being alone. Because I enjoy walking around with my sketchbook in my bag (I did that when I was fourteen, too; but there was this underlying sadness then.) and I enjoy being one in a sea of faces.
I guess it's because I'm comfortable with myself.
I guess it's because, when I used to wear these bright orange pants, I assumed people were watching me. Now, I don't think they are. I guess it's because at that time, any hater I had was hating on me because I somehow deserved it; that this was a life lesson - don't get too cocky, or people will call your bluff.
Now, I just block haters.
I guess now it's okay that the first time I kissed someone, I cried, because I knew it wasn't me. I guess it's okay to admit I've always loved music more than people; falling in love with songs, rather than souls.
I guess it's okay to admit I don't have one night stands; that I'm grey ace; that I can't force myself to love anyone though I wish I could.
(Is it okay to admit I'm lonely? I guess I'm scared it will sound ungrateful to say "I'm hella lonely." Because yeah, I guess it's ungrateful.)
I guess it's okay to admit that it took me years to love someone, and seconds to love any of my friends. That I never really cared about significant others the way I should.
I guess it's okay to admit I liked being the solo girl in the coffee shop.
Because it's okay to admit it all now. To scream it from the rooftops. To tell the world who I am because; fuck the judgements.
Right now I call myself a wicca. I go by vibes, even though it may seem strange to others.
These vibes are good; are worth leaving the safety of my cavern for.
I guess it's okay to be a wicca; to be a girl fueled by art; to be a human being with cracks; to cry, okay, yes. It is okay to cry. It is okay not to cry. It is okay not to know how to feel.
That's what the music is for.
It's okay to be you. Strange, wild, colorful you. It's okay to be driven by the moon and the stars and the rivers. It's okay to be driven by acrylics and colors and words. By music.
It's okay to be driven by hope.
It's not your fault that you feel; it's okay that you're unapologetically yourself. It's okay that you have hope even though bad things keep on happening.
It's okay to feel like the world keeps turning, and you're scared, because you can't control it.
It's okay to keep going back to the coffee shop for the music.
You don't need to feel this guilt about being yourself.
you don't need to feel this guilt about being yourself.]]
This music knows who you are; just like you know it.
Maybe I believe in music more than God.
Maybe that's okay.
(All words and images by Maddy Hart)