••MY FINAL LOVE LETTER FOR YOU••
“Please don’t have any expectations” you said when I asked you what you needed from me.
I said “Okay-
this is something I have to work on
my mind isn’t wired that way.”
I hope for every hour I sat up waiting for you, you’ll give me that same patience back.
Hope you can reconsider this decision
I hope you can remember
that there was once a time months ago where you texted me sober
and I’m glad you remember that you said you love me
if only for the hour
if only at 3 AM
if only it was because I was 1700 miles away and in someone else’s bed
remember that night
you were sober
and I’m home again
I’m here
For the first time in almost 2 years
We are here together and we are both sober
Tonight
we went through the list of our apologies
I have things to apologize for
I have things to work on,
you spoke of growth and I thought in that moment how vital growth and laughter are to loving, especially loving you.
I know you’re in an awkward situation and I’m sorry for the pressure I put on you and you’re sorry for the anxiety you put to bed in my stomach and I forgive you
I will keep forgiving you for every tear stained night even though they still haunt me like your name still haunts my phone
when it’s full of silence
I will always forgive you
I say always because it’s been two years later almost 3
I met you when I was 18
and here we are.
I still always compare you
to every person I ever thought I loved
but it was never love because it was never you
and I’m sorry because you didn’t ask for this
even every time you said
I want you
I need you
I miss you
come home to me
you didn’t ask for this,
Obsessive, manic, crying on the phone
head full of expectations
when I asked you what you needed from me now
you said please don’t have any expectations.
I said I’ll try not to
I’ll do my best
as long as you remember that Tonight:
everything feels like its supposed to
Tonight:
Is the first time I have felt anything at all in months,
sitting in your empty apartment
the one you still have the keys to,
talking about imagining the beams caving in and resting on each other
the way you pulled me down to rest on your chest,
you’ll probably never hear this
After all, people writing things about you makes you uncomfortable
you say you’re glad that it’s a coping method
you love that it helps me grow, I just wish I could share my growth with you
I hope someday in the future we can grow together.
we both had the same thought process just at different moments in time and
damn if that shit doesn’t hurt when timelines don’t add up
it’s like when the nurse misses your vein with the needle and has to try and try again,
I too will keep on trying to draw this love out of you
and if it doesn’t work
then let me draw my heart back this time
because it’s two years later almost three
and I cannot love again until you give me permission to move on.
I will always forgive you even when you don’t apologize,
And I will always apologize
For not being enough,
For failing to move on,
For loving you in all the wrong timelines but finally,
We have the same timeline,
So I’m hoping this time
we can meet halfway.
I fucking loved you.
I love you still.
(words by Carlea and photo by Ella Jade of Peach)